Disclaimer: My blog is for adults. There was a warning you had to click on to get here. Even I have to click it and I wrote the damn thing. I curse and shit. Generally I am an example of what not to do with your life, what with the smoking and the chronic insomnia and narcotic use and what not. This post has sexual content. If you don't like that, then kindly fuck off and go do something you enjoy with your time. If you are a child who leaned how to click a button that says you are over 18, then congratulations on not being completely stupid, but there is probably something more useful and wholesome you could be doing with your time. If you do choose to read, then stay in school, don't have a baby before you are old enough to take care of it, and don't get a criminal record because of you do these things then you have options and options are everything. 


Jealousy is an odd thing.

I made a point of not getting attached to people or things for so long that most of the time I don't feel anything. I love the passion of a new relationship because the lust of it is such a powerfully physical emotion that I can't not feel it (sorry for the double negative)

Having very little attachment to the things and people in my life has made jealousy a mostly foreign emotion to me. That is not to say that I have never been jealous, just that it happens rarely and I have a somewhat odd reaction to it.

I can be controlling always often at times and sometimes that feels like jealousy, but I don't think its the same thing. There is no possessiveness to it. It's just the desperate need to know what is going on around me at all times. The compulsion to never feel like I'm missing out, out of the loop or in the dark. That's not the same thing as jealousy.

This post might make me seem weird.

It feels weird to admit this but who else am I going to tell? In the few situations I have been jealous, it's kind of a turn on. I'm not sure why. It's like knowing that I'm into someone enough to be possessive of them makes me want them even more. Or maybe it's just that I usually don't feel emotions that intensely?

Very few of the relationships I have been in over the years were entirely monogamous. I don't know if I believe in monogamy, but that's the subject of a whole different post. Regardless, since I am bisexual and "sexually liberated" threesomes have always been a semi-regular occurrence in my life.

I'm not shy about my sexual appetite with close friends. I'm usually the one to make the dirty joke, the one with the ridiculous raunchy story. While I don't feel the need to express myself that way in every social situation (time and place people! sometimes people need to keep that shit to themselves) I'm an advocate of sexual expression and PROPER sexual education and I will usually give an honest answer to any question people have the balls to ask me.

When someone asks you a question, there are always two answers. There is the easy answer and the answer that lies beneath the easy answer. It's the difference between telling someone you are fine when they ask you how you are doing and telling them that you lost a pound but you are having a bad hair day, but then you found five dollars when you got on the bus, so you are doing alright.

When a friend recently asked me why I had threesomes, I gave him the easy answers. I have threesomes with boys (straight ones especially) because they are both really interested in you and boys get tired easily, so when one needs a break they can tag out like in wrestling. (The real answer probably having more to do with my pathological need for validation and to be the center of attention, but we're not travelling that far into my psyche this evening). I have threesomes with girls because I like girls and as great as a boyfriend can be he does not have a vagina or boobs and every once and a while I need those things in my life.

The real reason? Even if I am the one to set things up, and especially if the girl is prettier (skinnier) then me (and they usually are because I'm girl-picky), there is always a moment, where all of his attention is focused on her. In that moment, I am on the outside looking in, an passive observer, and I can feel it. It's a tight little ball in my chest that makes it hard to breath and shoots electricity through my body like adrenaline. It makes my heart beat harder and my fingers tingle. I can't control it, or choose when it happens.

I sat one time for over an hour in that state once. I was on the computer, and my boyfriend at the time was on the couch. Lying next to him was the girl that we were fooling around with at the time. A blanket is casually thrown across them. There is the slightest movements underneath the blanket and I just know that his hand is down her pants. This is not the arrangement that we had, we had agreed that these things were to be discussed in advance and I have a head rush that's like a drug. I don't get anything done on the computer for the next hour, I play cards but lose every time, only playing so I don't watch to obviously. I can't breath, can't thing, my fingers are trembling and it feels like there is an electric current running though my body but I don't want them to feel caught. The longer I sit the more intense the feeling gets until my ear are ringing. and it's only then I start to look more obviously. When they feel my eyes on them they move apart. I don't think he ever knew how long I was watching.

In the end, it's just another way I'm addicted to the rush.

Does anyone who reads this have any strong reactions to jealousy?

PS.
This picture is adorable

Three days. That's all it took.

Three days of shameless consumption

Three days of uncountable calories (ok, an average of about 3000)


Three days of shoving food down my throat because if I'm eating I'm not talking and if I'm not talking I'm not arguing.

Three days where I figured it was better to hate myself for eating than just hate myself.

When I got on the scale yesterday it was a reality check. 149.6. Not even a pound away from 150, a place I told my self I had seen the back of forever. Being at my mothers made me cocky. If I could maintain there then it didn't matter what I ate. But that's not the case. It's a slippery slope and I can't let my emotions dictate my eating habits any more. I can't go back to what I was. I need to move forward.

I want beauty and perfection so bad I can taste it.

It tastes way fucking better then cookies.

Today I weighed in at 147. It's a new day, and I will be better today then I was yesterday and better tomorrow then I am today.


americaneagle: After reading your blog I have been inspired to spend more time replying to comments in my posts. It's fitting then that you were the last person to comment on my blog. I know exactly what you mean about food being celebrated just as thinness is aspired to. Thank you for your awesome comments and I'm glad you found me! 

There is a loud ringing/beeping noise coming from OCDboys room. It's really freaking me out because it sounds like his safe going off, which should only happen if someone enters the code in wrong a bunch of times, and as far as we know there is no on in that room. Regardless, the door is locked, so we also can't do anything about the annoying noise.

I spent Tuesday night and Wednesday on a bender, lost a pound, as I consumed only beer and vitamins* (as the lovely mich would put it) and then spent all of yesterday emotionally stuffing my face and gained back a pound and a half. 

Ok, so I've been back since Monday. It took me a couple days to get caught up on all the blogs I'm following.

I had a really good week except for one day. I got out of the city, and really needed it. I also got to get away from exboy for a while. Even though I still consider him a friend, sometimes it feels like every simple conversation has all these implications about our future together and I always have to be so careful about what I say. He's also super clingy a lot of the time. I picked up my laptop and moved to the other couch so I could write this and he's all "so you don't want to sit next to me anymore" even though the charger is next to where I'm sitting now so I had a perfectly legitimate reason for moving.

Also, things have been tense between us lately. I think he finally realizes that we aren't going to be living together come September and that I am going to be living with our other roommates still.

On the plus side, he has a job now and he seems to be really enjoying it, so we'll see how long that lasts.

Also, AWESOME news, I actually managed to go on vacation and NOT gain any weight! As of today I am 143.8. I didn't really lose much either, but I didn't undo all the progress I made either.

More updates later, and I'll update the list. Hope you ladies are having success!

I'm at my mothers for the week, so that'd why I disappeared this time. She has the worst dial up internet and it literally took me 20 minutes to load the new post page. So this may be my only post til I get back.

She's a big feeder, my mom. The last time I was here for a week (christmas) I gained over 10 pounds. Hopefully I won't repeat my mistakes this time. I have to eat, but it's hot enough that I'm hoping to turn down enough to maintain, or not gain too much.

The roommates are coming on tuesday, but exboy didn't want to come this time. This have been pretty awkward recently since our lease expires in September and he's starting to realize that we aren't going to be living together for much longer. But I'll write more about that when I get home.

I come home on friday, so if you don't hear from me until next weekend, that's why.

So yesterday ended up being okay. Actually it was pretty good except for one part. We were supposed to have a potential client come in for a meeting at work. Now, booking appointments is part of my job. Usually it's a fairly short process, and calls take less then 5 minutes. This guy must have called 5 times after making his appointment to clarify different, totally redundant things. I'm sorry, but that is what the meeting is for. And instead of me trying to describe our product and services, you can see it for yourself. Of course he also insisted on getting the latest possible time to meet as well.

So he finally stops calling. That is, of course, until 2 minutes before he is due to arrive, when he calls again, to say he is going to be about ten minutes late. Fine, whatever. We wait. And wait. And wait.

And then we say fuck it and leave.

But seriously? Who does that shit? Its not even like he made the appointment and didn't show up. I'm sure everyone is guilty of that at some point, but he called and questioned detail after detail, and then called and said he was ten minutes away, and then he didn't show up. And he made us stay late waiting on his ass.

grrr.....

Anyway, the rest of the day was good. After work we went and picked up the new mattress. It even came with a box spring. It's super soft and comfortable and nice, and so much better then sleeping on the floor. My room is a disaster now though since we pushed everything out of the way and threw the bed down as quickly as possible, so working on that is tonight's or tomorrow's project for sure.

Exboy ended up getting heat stroke at work and got sent home early. Which isn't in the slightest bit surprising.  I am constantly amazed at the fact that there is always something new to prevent him from holding a job.

I've got to hang out a bit with J over the last couple days, which has been nice. We have an odd relationship. Even though we live together, we are both out of the house a lot, and often are schedule's don't sync up very well. Also, exboy hates it when we spend any time alone together, which J and I find simultaneously annoying and entertaining. So it ends up that we will spend a couple of days where we are both at home, joking around and staying up all night shooting the shit, and then not see each other for more then 5 minutes for over a month, so it's always nice when we get the rare moment of one on one time and can actually have a conversation. Even though I know there is always a guilt trip waiting at the end from Exboy.

I didn't have a chance to weigh today, but my intake wasn't great yesterday since I started to get really dizzy and nauseous at work when we had to stay late and my boss made me eat some of her fish and chips. She's passed out at work before, especially when its hot like this, so there is no arguing with her. I'm probably up and I'd rather not know. It's time to stop gaining on day and losing the next. I've been up and down all week, like I do badly and then do well the next day to undo the damage, but then never get past the 145 mark before I blow it and start the pattern over again.

Good to know I've mastered a really annoying version of maintaining.

I think this blog needs to be redesigned.

Today was a better day. So far at least. I actually got to bed at a reasonable time last night (like 3ish?), so it wasn't too hard to wake up in the morning. I didn't even need the alarm I set.

Exboy has work today, so that is very good. It's only a days work, but it pays well and he certainly needs the cash right now considering I don't know when I am getting my check.

My boss told me she is really impressed with my work lately and wants to take me under her wing and show me what she knows, which made me feel really good about myself, which is a nice change. It's odd, I never really considered this job as a career, but I guess you never know where your life is going to take you. Maybe it's an idea I should be open to.

Also, I'm getting a new mattress today. Well, not new, but new to me. It's very exciting, since I'm basically sleeping on a mat on the floor right now.

Anyways, I have work to do and can't be spending all my time on blogger. I hope you ladies are all having a good day and thinking thin! Speaking of which, my weight is back down to 145 again today, so not too much payment for eating the other day.

it seems like a lot of people who are following me do not have blogs, so if you are following me and I'm not following you then please send me the link, so I can know more about who is reading my nonsense?

First off, thank you to all my wonderful commenters. Without you, I'm talking to myself.

Unfortunately, if I refused to feel guilty for eating yesterday, then karma was going to make it it's personal mission to crap on me all day today. I just found out that I'm not getting the check that I thought I was until Tuesday at the very least, if at all and that's only if I can lie and talk my way into it. Unfortunately, I kind of needed that money to pay my rent.

The woman at the meeting,who I had been speaking to for about five minutes, told me she could tell that I was dealing with issues that were preventing me from being successful. Apparently it's more obvious then I thought.

Everything else has just been shitty today. I've burned myself twice, cut myself shaving for the first time in years, banged my head on the corner of a table. I mentioned I'm clumsy right?

It's was always the second I started to feel better too.

bah humbug.

At least I didn't pay to much for my ice cream and pork transgressions the night before. My weight was at 147 when I got up this morning, which is exactly where I expected it to be. I'm at about 800 calories for the day because I've been grazing on comfort food at work. Popcorn can go fuck itself. I start out all delicate and just take one piece at a time, then two, then three. Ridiculous. And you look disgusting eating it. All greasy and crap. Seriously, look behind you the next time you are at a busy movie. A sea of round faces shoving handfuls of popcorn into their grease stained mouths like someone is going to try and take it away if they don't finish their supersized garbage bag before the climax.

Maybe that was a little over the top for popcorn hate, but I said I was in a bad mood. And if anyone understands my irrational food-hate it's you guys.

I woke up this afternoon in a bad mood. Not pissed off or angry, just a low level unhappiness that makes me unproductive and self deprecating. It takes me half an hour to convince myself that its worth getting out of bed, and I'm supposed to be at work in a few hours. There's a million other things to do today. Deal with my taxes, pick up a check, talk to my landlord.

I know I've said this before but it seems that there is no way to budget myself, whether that's my time or my money and get half the things I need done.

Seriously, I don't know how some of you ladies do it. And then you write these blogs and their funny and poetic and have pictures and tags. If I can get the words out on a semi regular basis then I'm thrilled.

So I got a little stressed at the idea of getting everything I needed to done before I had to go to work. I psych myself up to go, when I get the call. There is a problem with my computer at work and I am no longer needed for the day until the tech can come and fix it.

Now, at this point, a sane normal rational person would count their blessings and get everything else done while they have the chance. Not me though. As I sit on my balcony, stressing out about how to get everything done, and if I still have enough time to go pick up my check before the office closes, my roommates come up with the bright idea of saying fuck it and sitting at home and eating ice cream. Apparently they think I need to take some time to destress and my bad mood is more obvious then I thought.

I think I'm about to fall off the roof, as they say. Then again I thought that for the last week or so and it isn't here yet, so who knows really. It's not like it's supposed to come with any regularity, right?

So... I had already decided that since pork tenderloin was on sale and I have been feeling a little un-contributing lately that I would make a nice dinner for the house tonight. I had the meat marinating overnight and an apple maple glaze for it. I've been planning this meal for days, because I don't normally cook much and I wanted everything to be right. My weight has been good this week, bouncing between 144 and 147.

So I gave into ice cream, I gave into the idea that I could have one stress free day, where nothing would be an issue. Not food, not money, not weed, nothing.

It's actually going pretty well. I'm trying not to think to hard about anything. Dinner turned out really well, the meat was nice and tender and didn't taste weird or anything. It's been a few months since I had a home cooked meal, so even though I know exactly how terrible it was for me, I'm not too worked up about it.

The ice cream is another story. It's all my favorite kinds and I told  myself that I wouldn't let it stress me out but it is. Its just one day though. Tomorrow I return to my goals with a vengeance.

And it can't be too bad tomorrow, right?

I wish I had one person I could be totally honest with. Someone I could really open up to. This blog (a disordered little fragment, a fractured reality, blurred out and names changed to protect the guilty) doesn't feed that need, as much as I ramble on.

Even my best friend, one of the only people I have spent a reasonable amount of time with and not lied to, there are so many things I can't (won't, don't, shouldn't) tell. And even if I had the opportunity, how would I ever know that it was safe to take it. I've grown up with lies, grown into them. How can I ever know it's safe to let them go, to share my secrets.

How do you trust when everyone you know is full of shit one way or another? When everyone can be bought and only thinks for themselves?

Everyone lies. And the ones you think aren't are just the best at it. The ones who are the best at it usually have the biggest secrets of all.

I'm still not sleeping properly. Getting 3-5 hours, and waking up at noon. It's like the sunlight makes me tired. My bestie is visiting family, so exboy and I stole her (much more comfortable) bed, so I woke up feeling more rested then usual. I was the only one awake when I woke up and got to sit in the living room by myself, listening to music and smoking.

It's nice to be by yourself. I miss it.

I had a busy day with work today. I haven't even left yet and it's already 11:30. Although it's no one's fault but my own I'm still here. I forgot that I had to lock up today, and didn't bring the key for the front door. Now I have to wait until someone comes down and brings me the key. Otherwise I would have to sleep here, lol!

The loss of morality is just a bunch of little compromises. Everyone has a price, and people will do anything with the right provocation. Money, love, power, fame.

What is right and wrong anyways, but definitions created by a society that most people have never felt like a part of?

Why are things that were once "wrong", now socially acceptable? Why are things that were once "wrong" now personally acceptable?

If "wrong" is a fluid and changing concept, flavoured by ones opinions, experiences and upbringing, then can anything really be truly and conclusively wrong?

I replied to a job on craigslist yesterday. It wasn't the usual serving or office work gig. It's was a post from a woman looking for a new friend for the summer. She would pay for us to do whatever we wanted all summer, food, drinks, trip to Niagara, gym membership, whatever. The reason being that she did not want to be alone while her partner was at work for a reason unspecified in the ad.

I replied to the ad. It seemed like something that I would enjoy and I was curious to find out why she didn't want to be alone.

I got the reply last night. The woman in interested in meeting me, but the reason that she feels she shouldn't be left alone is that she has had issues with binging and purging.

I'm stuck on whether or not I should reply. I don't want us to become triggering to each other, and I don't want to be a bad influence on someone who is trying to recover. However, I'm not really fully anorexic and I've never purged, so I'm fairly confident that I can hide my disordered eating habits. It might be healthy for me to hang out with someone who is already on track to eating healthy and exercising. And I would love to have a gym membership and someone who was committed to going with me.

I don't know what to do, so I ask you ladies what you would do in my position? I have to give an answer soon, but any advice would be greatly appreciated...

I slept until 8pm this evening.

My roommate rants about the things he hates about women, and I hear myself in every flaw. ["Thank god you're here Empty, at least you're different" and I laugh to myself] The talk turns to the flaws of men and what do you know I have those too.

I'm obsessed with sex. I wonder if I can initiate another threesome since the bestie is off visiting family. Did I mention I had a threesome with my ex and my roommate? If not, I guess you know now.

I'm locked in at 148, but it seems stable, so that's the silver lining.

My boss is getting married next week, so I'm working like crazy to cover. It means less time at home, which is a good thing. Unfortunately being at work at 1 every day, while late for most people, is still really early when you don't get to sleep until 7AM and you are running on 3 hours sleep.

I did my drawing for this week, but it sucked so I'm not posting it.

All the boxes in my room are finally empty and sorted. I downsized 5 boxes and a rubbermaid container to a box of paperwork and the rubbermaid container. It's amazing the amount of junk we collect. It was really helpful  in the end that I hadn't looked at some of this stuff in almost a year, it made it much easier to decide if I really needed it. A lot of the time it was like "well, since I haven't needed it yet..."

Thats all for now

Why can't I just function properly?

I came some assembly required but missing pieces. Everything moves the way it should but there is a peculiar ticking noise, and the performance is not what was expected.

I had more to say but I can't find the words, so here are pretty pictures instead.

I love you, as much as I could love anything.




















I hope one day we can all be free of the things which trap us.

Clean something for 30min every other day for a month. (week 3/4)
I've been killing this one. I've been through most of the boxes in my room and am in the process of cleaning it top to bottom. I've also gone through all of the clothes and sorted out the ones for mending and the ones for washing


Do Laundry twice a month for 6 months (2/12)

I've done this twice now, and I have more clean clothes then I have had in years. It's thrilling.

Track all spending for one month.
What spending?

File taxes. 
Called the place to make an appointment and this time they told me I would have to send them a letter instead. Wrote the letter, and I'm faxing it from work tomorrow. This seriously shouldn't be this complicated. To any children reading this boring crap, I should be a cautionary tail. Keep your shit organized. You pay for it later if you don't.
Spend one hour a week improving memory for a month 2/4
I forgot? I guess its not working...
Draw once a month.(0/12)
Every time I do this I think "Oh yeah... drawing..." and then I completely move on to other things. I've picked out some pictures though

Start a dream journal and update it twice a week for a month
It's apparently disappeared, despite the fact my room is almost clean now. Not impressed.

Research Careers
Spent a ton of time looking into university programs this week. Didn't actually decide anything, but do I ever?

Contact 5 friends I haven't seen in over a year and see them in person (2/5)
A friend from up north actually got in touch with me the other day, so that was interesting. We'll see how that goes.
Become an organ donor
I have every intention of doing this tomorrow, but really when don't I?


Create a list of ten things to improve about myself
Done!

Create a list of twenty things I like about myself
Done!


New additions


Empty all the boxes in the bedroom
Only one to go!


Purge old clothing
It's the good kind of purging?


Mend all clothing
I might not get to this one this week, but now that its all separated there is no reason not to get this done


No Fast food for a month
This one is going to be tough, since there in no food in the house and no one seems to grocery shop anymore. But I think that means it's more important to do it now then ever. I start on the first, tomorrow

Nothing makes you  starve better then not being able to afford food.

Like seriously. I'm at a new low today, 146.6 when I weighed in when I got up, and a few hours later when I weighed again, 145.8. Awesome.

I've been under 800 cals a day for at least 5 days. Maybe more, but that's all I have tracked and I can't remember further back then that, and I can't be bothered to try. Either way, its going very well, and I am thrilled, so at least that's going right.

So, in honour of my weight loss, some thinspo :)

1. I am thinner then 60% of people my age
2. I'll try almost anything once
3. I read people well, I can usually tell what people are thinking, their emotions and if they are lying to me.

Money is really tight right now, and our internet and phone got cut off, so now we are in the process of switching companies. We have no weed, no smokes, no food, no cash. We are a grumpy house. But weight loss is going well because there is nothing here to eat. I'm down to 148 and I was at 147 two days ago. I can't even begin to say how happy I am to FINALLY be out of the 150's for good.

Only so much can be said for anonymity, and I am constricted by the things I dare not commit to text. There are so many things that I can't say aloud, for fear of judgement and reprisal, and yet this makes this blog feel like it missing so much.

My life is sin and debauchery. I feel like I'm being consumed by it and I am torn between giving myself to it fully and running in terror.

I miss the days when I lived a double life. Now I am fragmented, persona after persona, never the same person to anyone. Including the one I have here, I have 5 different names to go by, 5 lives to live, with different priorities and goals. I'm losing track, losing focus I never had. Splitting into pieces and unable to follow through with anything, unable to be any one person properly.

I am lost in the overlap, trying to plan for a future I can't even begin to imagine. I feel like a child, playing pretend and unable to finally grow up.

All I know is I'm a liar, a cheat and a flake. Unreliable and unfit for consumption.

I am so terrified that I am missing something or forgetting something that I find myself  immobilized.