I don't really use this anymore, life is better now though, for those who were curious. This isn't the person I am anymore. I clean up after myself properly, am paying back my student loans, wake up most mornings before noon. I got my health card, a family doctor and am officially an organ donor, which was super easy by the way and all of you should do it. Seriously, you are going to be dead, it's not like you are using them, get over yourself and save a bunch of lives.

I think I know what I want to do with my life, and am starting to get an idea of how I want to get there. I've been cooking new things like crazy at the new place, eating way healthier and working out. My roommate got a treadmill, which I love and our apartment building has a pool I can use as well. I'm at my lowest weight of my adult life, 139.6 lbs and you can see my collar bones all the time now, just a little bit.

I even went to the CNE with exboy before we stopped living together, and got dressed up and went out for halloween.

All in all, I haven't been this happy in a long time. I was never really happy with the layout of this blog, and I don't really have time to update it anymore, so it's time to bow out before I get any more boring. I love you all, and thank you dearly for your support and kind words, I wish you all the best, and if anyone wants to keep in touch whose been following me for a while, let me know and I'll give you my personal e-mail.

That all your trying only makes me realize more that the feelings we once had aren't coming back.

That sometimes cliches are just that because they're so often true.

I love you, but I'm not in love with you [was I ever...]

It's not you. It's me.

To move on.

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My answers to your questions are an endless tightrope walk between heartbreak and lies. You must see that. You must see the truth. That's why you keep asking, isn't it. You can feel the impending heartbreak. Is the guilt you make me feel the lashing out of a cornered animal, confused and alone. Or is it a malicious retaliation against the slow twist of the knife in your chest.

Which makes it really hard to update. I have to use the caps lock to make capital letters and I miss my question mark and quotation marks, which the caps lock button doesn't work for. So there will be no questions in this post.

Last weekend exboy and I got into an epic fight. I was with my roommate and we were have a pretty serious conversation, the details of which were really personal. I ended up losing track of time and not making it back home in time to let in him in after he was done work. He still doesn't have keys since he got mugged.

Now I did say that I would be home to let him in, but I had my cell phone on me, and according to him, he stood outside our apartment for like half an hour before trying to call me. When he did call me, he was screaming about how awful I was. I was already a mickey of vodka in at this point, so obviously I did not take well to being called out like that.

We met in the parking lot of the grocery store near my house so I could give him the keys. The plan was for us to go back to the house with him, but in the parking lot the argument continued. He told me I ruined his life, and I told him his life was in the shitter long before he met me. He told me I was nothing but a drug addicted slut when he met me and I told him to go fuck himself.

He's been threatening me. Not physically, but he's threatened to send compromising photos and information to my family and friends. I told him that if he wanted to ruin my life then he should just do it and get it over with. But I hope he doesn't. I really don't want to deal with the fallout.

The fight got so bad that a group of teenagers who live in the area approached my roommate to make sure I was ok. They thought he was going to hit me. When ex-boy saw them coming closer he started talking about not wanting to deal with my 'posse' and stormed off.

My roommate and I decided not to go home and continue the fight further. We hung out with the random teenagers for a bit and then spent the night and the next day wandering the city, talking, drinking and shooting the shit. It was actually a really nice time.

Later that day we went and saw exboy at work. We both had had time to cool down and we apologized to each other for civilities sake.

Things are getting hardcore awkward now though. The countdown is on...

1. Sort the desk
2. Empty all boxes in the bedroom
3. Clean something every other day for a month
4. Spend one hour a week improving memory

Done now. :) Cleaning up after myself is officially a habit again. I don't really think my memory is any better honestly, but I think if I were serious about seeing results I would have have to commit a lot more time to it then an hour a week. And quit smoking pot.


There are also a bunch which I've started, but can't cross off yet, either because I have to do them repeatedly over a period of time or because (more likely) I've started them but haven't got 'round to finishing them yet.

Like seriously. Yesterday was the hottest day that we have ever had here. Like on record. You go outside and it's like entering an oven. At the hottest, it was 39 degrees Celsius and it felt like 50 with the humidity. (102 degrees and it felt like 122 for you Americans)

All you can do it lie there and try not to move because moving makes you want to puke.

Things have been going really well at work, but part of me is scared that I'm going to fuck it up. I'm scared that I won't be able to keep up as it gets busier, and now that my boss likes me it means the pressure is really on to be perfect.

I've been feeling really overwhelmed for the last couple of days. I should have gotten my ID ages ago and I kept putting it off. Now my work needs it and I don't have it to give them. Now I'm paying for my own laziness and stupidity.

I feel like I'm spread so thin. Go to work, find a career, find a school, clean the house, see your family, stay in touch with friends, find a new apartment, exercise, lose weight, change your body, change your mind, change your life... It doesn't seem like much but there are so many little tasks to keep it all together. I'm always forgetting something. I can't keep my priorities in order. I can't figure out what to do and I feel like I'm never accomplishing enough.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm building a card house and as soon as I try to build the next level everything falls out from underneath me and I need to start over again. and again. and again.

I'm not moving until October instead of September now. It means more time to prepare but also another month with Exboy. I don't know how I feel about it but there's nothing I can do about it so it doesn't matter anyways.

Mich: I'm glad I'm not the only one who loves them. My boss made fun of me after my martial arts class because as soon as we were done I lit up a smoke.

In honor of my all consuming need to smoke here are a ridiculous amount of pretty people smoking. Because smoking makes you look hot, especially in black and white.

Seriously addicted. Don't start smoking people. Within 10 minutes of waking up, if there is no nicotine to shove in my face I will be filled with blinding rage at basically whoever dares speak to me. Also I can't really poo. How's that for laxative abuse?

On a separate note, I refuse to continue to buy low fat cream cheese. If I wanted plastic on my bagel, I'd cut up a plastic bag, put it on my sandwich and be done with it. Otherwise, I'll just eat full fat cream cheese half as often. The low fat shit is fine if its going in a sauce or something, but seriously what is with that weird texture when you eat it on its own?

I'm finally back down to 144.6 today. Only one pound left to undo my three day bingefest.

OCDboy is totally down for getting back in shape, so I'm going to get him to show me so things I can do to work out more. Hopefully that will be more motivating then doing it on my own. I'm also supposed to be going to a self defense class with my boss today so that should burn some cals as well.

I also picked up a bunch of 150 cal tuna steaks that are ready in the microwave in 30 seconds that I can have as snacks when I munch out in the evenings. They are delicious and give me lots of energy and I love them. You should consider eating them yourself, if they sell them where you are and you're into that sort of thing.