I cheated today. Not on my ex, although  it certainly feels like it whenever I dare hit on someone else, but on the whole eating vegetarian thing. I've been in a losing battle with McDonald's for three days now, and my willpower finally broke today. Bah.

It wasn't as good as it was in my head, but is it ever? (except for thai food and sushi)

So now I'm at 774 utterly useless calories for the day, I'm a big weak fatty and I hate myself. My stomach hurts and I'm not even really full, just nauseous.

On the plus side I got out of work early today, so I'm going to try to spend some time being  productive to make myself feel better...

Still at 153.6 today.

Seriously, I think the thing likes to fuck with my head.

My intake yesterday was high. Not binge high, but high enough that I expected to maintain the 153.2 pounds of lard that I was when I woke up yesterday. And I was fairly ok with this. After a weekend of fairly intense intoxication, I figured a couple of days of maintaining reasonable intake was probably a healthy idea.

So I wake this morning, use the bathroom and weigh myself. My usual routine. I'm not wearing my glasses right, and the first time I look, I know I must be seeing things.

149.8.

I try it again. The number is the same. People are trying to get my attention and I stop there, thrilled at this turn of events.

But no... An hour later I am dressing, unable to resist the temptation of seeing the number I've longed for for months, and I climb back on.

153.8.

FMScale.

No more than 600 net calories today. At least I cleaned yesterday.

I was lazy at work today, and now I'm disappointed in myself. I have all these great intentions, yet somehow I can never accomplish most of what I set out to do. I tell myself I will go to bed early, and 5AM rolls around and I'm wide awake. I tell myself I will wake up early and be productive, and I sleep 'til the last possible minute, or I wake up and laze around the house, smoking up and watching bad television until its time for work. I eat nothing at work, return home and my resolve dissolves. I just don't know. My weight is maintaining at 151.6. As long as I can stop eating now, it will probably be the same tomorrow. I hope.

It's like I can clearly see the course of action that I need to take to get to a better life, but I'm paralysed, terrified of the unknown.

I did finish one thing today. It's my birthday next week, and I just finished making my wishlist for my mother. I realized this year that she only ever buys things from the shopping channel anyway's, so I might as well go to their site and make my wishlist from there. It hurts me to do it though, the mark up on most of it is ridiculous.

Speaking of my birthday, I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's been really crap the last few years, some worse then others, but forgettable at best. I'm trying not to get my hopes up that anything will be different this year. Exboy has this speech he goes through about a month and a half before my birthday about how everything is going to be different this year, and now it just makes me kinda sad.

I also feel old. Does anyone else feel like they are missing out on something?