1. The drafts folder of my email. A mess of unsent letters that spans years and quick saved information. Copied conversations from facebook chat that it seemed pertinent to save. It's instant reminder of past failures.

2. (Speaking of facebook) The pages of the people I went to highschool with who are now graduating college. Like seriously, I'm still here? And all you people are done already?

3. Getting ready to go out. I hate it. It always feels like I'm forgetting something and I look stupid and I'm going to definitely be late.

4. When people can see what I'm doing on my laptop. Exboy is starting to think that I'm up to something. He pretty much knows I have another email that I'm not telling him about. And I know its bugging the hell out of him to not know what I'm typing all the time. Because of that, this is now extended to any time anyone in my apartment is walking around doing stuff and being all hard to keep track of while I'm on my laptop cause he keeps trying to sit down next to me all quicktimes. That was a hell of a run on sentence...

5. My own laziness, 'nuff said.

6. Never being alone in my apartment. Like seriously, I think it's happened twice since we moved in in september. Even worse is being told that I am going to get time alone in the apartment and then having people there. Which lead into number 7...

7. Getting my hopes up. I'd rather not plan anything than be disappointed when it inevitably doesn't work out. I'm trying to get over this one because not planning for anything makes it hard to have any sort of life worth living. Even when things do end up working out though, the mere act of being hopeful is stressing me out at this point.

I cheated today. Not on my ex, although  it certainly feels like it whenever I dare hit on someone else, but on the whole eating vegetarian thing. I've been in a losing battle with McDonald's for three days now, and my willpower finally broke today. Bah.

It wasn't as good as it was in my head, but is it ever? (except for thai food and sushi)

So now I'm at 774 utterly useless calories for the day, I'm a big weak fatty and I hate myself. My stomach hurts and I'm not even really full, just nauseous.

On the plus side I got out of work early today, so I'm going to try to spend some time being  productive to make myself feel better...

Still at 153.6 today.

Since I have to hide in the bathroom to type this.

Yesterday was nice. We ended up going out to a party, which was an unexpected treat. The party wasn't that great honestly but it was really nice to get out of the house and spend the night dancing. Even if I was in heels.

Today may not be so good. We were supposed to go out tonight, so of course, since I made the mistake of actually looking forward to it, it isn't going to happen. Also, I'm kinda bummed because there was someone I thought I was going to get to hang out with tonight, and that's not the case either. But I'm not going to get into that

Weight is at 152.0

I'm trying desperately to write something that isn't miserable.

I was lazy at work today, and now I'm disappointed in myself. I have all these great intentions, yet somehow I can never accomplish most of what I set out to do. I tell myself I will go to bed early, and 5AM rolls around and I'm wide awake. I tell myself I will wake up early and be productive, and I sleep 'til the last possible minute, or I wake up and laze around the house, smoking up and watching bad television until its time for work. I eat nothing at work, return home and my resolve dissolves. I just don't know. My weight is maintaining at 151.6. As long as I can stop eating now, it will probably be the same tomorrow. I hope.

It's like I can clearly see the course of action that I need to take to get to a better life, but I'm paralysed, terrified of the unknown.

I did finish one thing today. It's my birthday next week, and I just finished making my wishlist for my mother. I realized this year that she only ever buys things from the shopping channel anyway's, so I might as well go to their site and make my wishlist from there. It hurts me to do it though, the mark up on most of it is ridiculous.

Speaking of my birthday, I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's been really crap the last few years, some worse then others, but forgettable at best. I'm trying not to get my hopes up that anything will be different this year. Exboy has this speech he goes through about a month and a half before my birthday about how everything is going to be different this year, and now it just makes me kinda sad.

I also feel old. Does anyone else feel like they are missing out on something?