I cheated today. Not on my ex, although  it certainly feels like it whenever I dare hit on someone else, but on the whole eating vegetarian thing. I've been in a losing battle with McDonald's for three days now, and my willpower finally broke today. Bah.

It wasn't as good as it was in my head, but is it ever? (except for thai food and sushi)

So now I'm at 774 utterly useless calories for the day, I'm a big weak fatty and I hate myself. My stomach hurts and I'm not even really full, just nauseous.

On the plus side I got out of work early today, so I'm going to try to spend some time being  productive to make myself feel better...

Still at 153.6 today.

Score Level:	Low			Average				High
EXTROVERSION TRAITS
1. Gregariousness:   [T-Score: 71]   Higher scores indicate the person is likely to be gregarious, outgoing, talkative, and liking conversations and parties.								X
2. Friendliness:   [T-Score: 53]   Higher scores indicate the person is likely to be gregarious, outgoing, talkative, and liking conversations and parties.						X
3. Assertiveness:   [T-Score: 3]   Higher scores indicate the person is likely to be busy, plan-directed, self-asserting and tending to be motivated to succeed.	X
4. Poise:   [T-Score: 29]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to feel comfortable around people and in unfamiliar places, loving life and not easily embarrassed.			X
5. Leadership:   [T-Score: 57]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be outspoken, self-confident in speaking out in social situations, taking charge and making decisions.						X
6. Provocativeness:   [T-Score: 76]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be boastful, demanding, daring in comments, criticism, and in defying rules.									X
7. Self-Disclosure:   [T-Score: 93]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be open about self and others, enjoying a sense of humor, laughing, childlike, "wild" and "crazy".										X
8. Talkativeness:   [T-Score: 72]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to talk a lot, perhaps too much, too loudly, and to seek too much attention.								X
9. Sociability:   [T-Score: 70]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to need to be around other people to feel comfortable, enjoying being on the go, in crowds.								X
10. EXTROVERSION TOTAL:   [T-Score: 61]   Higher scores indicate the person is likely to be more extroverted socially, especially as reflected in higher scores on some or all of the nine traits immediately above.							X
AGREEABLENESS TRAITS
11. Understanding:   [T-Score: 43]   Higher scores indicate tendencies to respect and sympathize with other persons' feelings, interests and viewpoints and being helpful.				X
12. Warmth:   [T-Score: 38]   Higher scores indicate tendencies to make special efforts to help other people feel welcome, comfortable and attended to.				X
13. Morality:   [T-Score: -42]   Higher scores suggest modesty, respect for rules and authority and loyalty to and respect for other people.	X
14. Pleasantness:   [T-Score: 25]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be socially pleasant, friendly, trusting and kind.		X
15. Empathy:   [T-Score: 26]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be especially sensitive to feelings, both ones' own and those of others, and in self-improvement.		X
16. Cooperation:   [T-Score: 7]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be cooperative rather than competitive.  Modest and avoids conflict or making fun of others.	X
17. Sympathy:   [T-Score: 11]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be especially sensitive to the misfortune of others and to take an interest in helping them.	X
18. Tenderness:   [T-Score: -7]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to care for children, friends, as by remembering birthdays.  Shows feelings, cries in empathy, etc.	X
19. Nurturance:   [T-Score: -16]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to go out of one's way to help and please others, putting them before self.	X
20. AGREEABLENESS TOTAL:   [T-Score: -7]   Higher scores indicate overall agreeableness, as reflected in higher scores on some or all of the nine tests immediately above.	X
CONSCIENTIOUSNESS TRAITS
21. Conscientiousness:   [T-Score: -35]   Higher scores reflect tendencies to plan ahead, do one's work carefully, and complete it on time.	X
22. Efficiency:   [T-Score: -33]   Higher scores reflect tendencies to stick to plans, be exacting in ones' work, being prompt, and finishing tasks once begun.	X
23. Dutifulness:   [T-Score: 0]   Higher scores reflect tendencies to be neatly dressed and groomed, well-mannered, dutiful in following directions and checking one's work.	X
24. Purposefulness:   [T-Score: -19]   Higher scores reflect tendencies to be prompt, focused and prepared in carrying out job duties.	X
25. Organization:   [T-Score: 34]   Higher scores reflect tendencies to set high standards for self and others, demand quality follow through on commitments, make well-considered decisions.			X
26. Cautiousness:   [T-Score: 7]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to attend to detail, demand quality performance from oneself and others, and complete tasks successfully.	X
27. Rationality:   [T-Score: -4]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be rational, logical, straight-forward and believing in consequences for misbehavior.	X
28. Perfectionism:   [T-Score: 37]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to prefer planned activities and expect perfection and attention to detail.				X
29. Orderliness:   [T-Score: -37]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be rule-oriented, like schedules, routine work, doing things 'by the book', keeping tidy.	X
30. CONSCIENTIOUSNESS TOTAL:   [T-Score: -28]   Higher scores indicate overall conscientiousness, as reflected in higher scores on some or all of the nine tests immediately above.	X
STABILITY TRAITS
31. Stability:   [T-Score: 91]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be even-tempered, slow to anger or get frustrated or moody, seldom taking offense.										X
32. Happiness:   [T-Score: 43]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be positive in mood, adaptable, comfortable with oneself and self-confident.				X
33. Calmness:   [T-Score: 75]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be accepting or others as they are, rarely annoyed or irritated.									X
34. Moderation:   [T-Score: 17]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to remain calm under pressure, and avoid cravings, overindulgence and temptations.		X
35. Toughness:   [T-Score: 90]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to endure criticism and tense situations calmly, keeping one's head and coping.										X
36. Impulse Control:   [T-Score: 38]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to control one's emotions, not interrupt others, maintain tact and restraint in social situations.				X
37. Imperturbability:   [T-Score: 95]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to seldom be influenced by one's emotions or get emotional.										X
38. Cool-Headedness:   [T-Score: 70]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to want things done 'my way', add up perfectly to impress others.  Demands obedience, confirmation of one's own opinions, no contradictions.								X
39. Tranquility:   [T-Score: 119]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to remain much the same emotionally from situation to situation, without emotional highs or lows.										X
40. STABILITY TOTAL:   [T-Score: 80]   Higher scores indicate overall stability, as reflected in higher scores on some or all of the nine tests immediately above.									X
INTELLECT TRAITS (These are personality measures, not measures of intellect per se)
41. Intellect:   [T-Score: 80]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to have a large vocabulary of difficult words, and enjoy thinking and understanding things.									X
42. Ingenuity:   [T-Score: 41]   Higher scores suggest a confident 'idea person', who likes to come up with new plans and solutions to problems.				X
43. Reflection:   [T-Score: 25]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to enjoy and reflect on books, movies, nature, flowers, music, etc.		X
44. Competence:   [T-Score: 65]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to learn and understand quickly, look at the facts, think and meet challenges with a spirit of excellence.							X
45. Quickness:   [T-Score: 73]   Higher scores suggest aptitude for handling complex problems, understanding things quickly, and liking to learn and think.								X
46. Introspection:   [T-Score: 60]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to enjoy spending time alone, reflecting on and contemplating things, doing things at one's own pace.							X
47. Creativity:   [T-Score: 62]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to enjoy solving unique, complex problems, challenging other points of view, linking facts.							X
48. Imagination:   [T-Score: 60]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to enjoy imagination, fantasy, art, variety and creative activities.							X
49. Depth:   [T-Score: 90]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to think deeply, get lost in thought and trying to understand the deeper meaning of self and life.										X
50. INTELLECT TOTAL:   [T-Score: 67]   Higher scores indicate overall intellectuality, as reflected in higher scores on some or all of the nine tests immediately above.								X

Since I ranted at you all last.

Honestly I'm not even sure what to say. I've had to work every day this week except for the weekend. Honestly I was feeling pretty crappy most of the week and some of its a bit of a blur. I guess I'll start from last weekend. Exboy has already lost his new job, no surprise there, so hopefully he will be able to come up with rent for the end of the month. He stayed in the city that weekend, so he could look for a new job, but then he spent the weekend "sick" and didn't do anything. Well, that's not true, he did some cleaning the day we came home, so I'll give credit where its due. He also ate meat all weekend, and doesn't realize that when you order food online it sends me the receipt, which I think is funny.

While he was doing... Well whatever it was he was doing... The Bestie, J and I went to the 'burbs, where she and I grew up. We saw an old friend, who I haven't seen in years, and spent the night doing shots (sailor jerry's overproof rum and fireball whiskey), playing cards and catching up. Other then a small plate of Chinese food, so I wouldn't puke when I drank, I ate only a bagel in the morning although the calories in the booze more then made up for it.

The next day we went to Besties parents house, so she could spend some time with them while she was in town. We also used our one meat day a week that day, because her parents made super tasty home made burgers. That night we picked up a bottle of vodka and a bottle of blueberry liquor, and then Besties mom made nacho dip, so even though I only had a burger, some salad and less then a quarter of the dip, my cals were still shot for the day.

We were supposed to come back the next day, but ended up staying until Tuesday. I think we all appreciated the chance for some time away from exboy. Also it gave us the chance to talk a bit about what is going to happen when our lease is up in September. Obviously, I have no desire to continue to live with exboy, but he is desperate to make me feel like an asshole every time it comes up. I wasn't sure how to bring the situation up with the roomies, but its comforting to know now that they are still on my side of things.

Sometimes, honestly, I wish they weren't. It would be so much easier if I could just bounce and worry about myself, but that just isn't going to happen. After 5 years of bugging bestie to move in with me, I am stuck with her now. While I love her to death, she can have horrific timing sometimes. So if that's the case and I can't live by myself, then I see no reason to stop living with J either. Apparently, he some friends who would like to live with him as well, so his idea is that the 3 of us should rent a house with his other 2 friends.

The question becomes, how do I tell exboy that the rest of us want to live together and I don't want him to come without ruining our friendship and potentially making him kill himself.

The rest of the week rushed by. Work and sleep. Weight was stable, food was average. My new weakness food in grilled cheese sandwiches. They are made in the sandwich maker, so they don't have butter, but they are still no good.

Friday night, we got another bottle of sailor jerry's, because it was J's birthday on Saturday. In the end however, he ended up spending the night out with his brother, and bestie and I split the bottle.

The next morning, we took the dog for a nice long walk and hike though the trails near our house. Saturday night, we went out to a house party with J for his birthday. I ended up doing four pills and getting higher then I have been in years and overall had an excellent time. I also saw some people I used to be good friends with and who I haven't seen in years, so that was excellent as well.

Sunday was a day of recovery. I was still very high when I got home at like 9AM the next morning, and everyone else passed out, but I was unable to sleep that whole day. I was incredible sore, and couldn't eat a bite until almost 5AM the night after we got back and I didn't sleep til 7:30AM the next morning.

Overall it was an excellent experience. I was incredibly high, but I never felt out of control or unsafe. It did however, burn me out and I have no desire to be high again for quite some time. It was also excellent for my waistline, and I'm down to 151.6.

I guess that's about it for now. Which is good, because this is getting really long and my fingers are starting to hurt.