I was lazy at work today, and now I'm disappointed in myself. I have all these great intentions, yet somehow I can never accomplish most of what I set out to do. I tell myself I will go to bed early, and 5AM rolls around and I'm wide awake. I tell myself I will wake up early and be productive, and I sleep 'til the last possible minute, or I wake up and laze around the house, smoking up and watching bad television until its time for work. I eat nothing at work, return home and my resolve dissolves. I just don't know. My weight is maintaining at 151.6. As long as I can stop eating now, it will probably be the same tomorrow. I hope.

It's like I can clearly see the course of action that I need to take to get to a better life, but I'm paralysed, terrified of the unknown.

I did finish one thing today. It's my birthday next week, and I just finished making my wishlist for my mother. I realized this year that she only ever buys things from the shopping channel anyway's, so I might as well go to their site and make my wishlist from there. It hurts me to do it though, the mark up on most of it is ridiculous.

Speaking of my birthday, I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's been really crap the last few years, some worse then others, but forgettable at best. I'm trying not to get my hopes up that anything will be different this year. Exboy has this speech he goes through about a month and a half before my birthday about how everything is going to be different this year, and now it just makes me kinda sad.

I also feel old. Does anyone else feel like they are missing out on something?

Since I ranted at you all last.

Honestly I'm not even sure what to say. I've had to work every day this week except for the weekend. Honestly I was feeling pretty crappy most of the week and some of its a bit of a blur. I guess I'll start from last weekend. Exboy has already lost his new job, no surprise there, so hopefully he will be able to come up with rent for the end of the month. He stayed in the city that weekend, so he could look for a new job, but then he spent the weekend "sick" and didn't do anything. Well, that's not true, he did some cleaning the day we came home, so I'll give credit where its due. He also ate meat all weekend, and doesn't realize that when you order food online it sends me the receipt, which I think is funny.

While he was doing... Well whatever it was he was doing... The Bestie, J and I went to the 'burbs, where she and I grew up. We saw an old friend, who I haven't seen in years, and spent the night doing shots (sailor jerry's overproof rum and fireball whiskey), playing cards and catching up. Other then a small plate of Chinese food, so I wouldn't puke when I drank, I ate only a bagel in the morning although the calories in the booze more then made up for it.

The next day we went to Besties parents house, so she could spend some time with them while she was in town. We also used our one meat day a week that day, because her parents made super tasty home made burgers. That night we picked up a bottle of vodka and a bottle of blueberry liquor, and then Besties mom made nacho dip, so even though I only had a burger, some salad and less then a quarter of the dip, my cals were still shot for the day.

We were supposed to come back the next day, but ended up staying until Tuesday. I think we all appreciated the chance for some time away from exboy. Also it gave us the chance to talk a bit about what is going to happen when our lease is up in September. Obviously, I have no desire to continue to live with exboy, but he is desperate to make me feel like an asshole every time it comes up. I wasn't sure how to bring the situation up with the roomies, but its comforting to know now that they are still on my side of things.

Sometimes, honestly, I wish they weren't. It would be so much easier if I could just bounce and worry about myself, but that just isn't going to happen. After 5 years of bugging bestie to move in with me, I am stuck with her now. While I love her to death, she can have horrific timing sometimes. So if that's the case and I can't live by myself, then I see no reason to stop living with J either. Apparently, he some friends who would like to live with him as well, so his idea is that the 3 of us should rent a house with his other 2 friends.

The question becomes, how do I tell exboy that the rest of us want to live together and I don't want him to come without ruining our friendship and potentially making him kill himself.

The rest of the week rushed by. Work and sleep. Weight was stable, food was average. My new weakness food in grilled cheese sandwiches. They are made in the sandwich maker, so they don't have butter, but they are still no good.

Friday night, we got another bottle of sailor jerry's, because it was J's birthday on Saturday. In the end however, he ended up spending the night out with his brother, and bestie and I split the bottle.

The next morning, we took the dog for a nice long walk and hike though the trails near our house. Saturday night, we went out to a house party with J for his birthday. I ended up doing four pills and getting higher then I have been in years and overall had an excellent time. I also saw some people I used to be good friends with and who I haven't seen in years, so that was excellent as well.

Sunday was a day of recovery. I was still very high when I got home at like 9AM the next morning, and everyone else passed out, but I was unable to sleep that whole day. I was incredible sore, and couldn't eat a bite until almost 5AM the night after we got back and I didn't sleep til 7:30AM the next morning.

Overall it was an excellent experience. I was incredibly high, but I never felt out of control or unsafe. It did however, burn me out and I have no desire to be high again for quite some time. It was also excellent for my waistline, and I'm down to 151.6.

I guess that's about it for now. Which is good, because this is getting really long and my fingers are starting to hurt.