Money is really tight right now, and our internet and phone got cut off, so now we are in the process of switching companies. We have no weed, no smokes, no food, no cash. We are a grumpy house. But weight loss is going well because there is nothing here to eat. I'm down to 148 and I was at 147 two days ago. I can't even begin to say how happy I am to FINALLY be out of the 150's for good.

Only so much can be said for anonymity, and I am constricted by the things I dare not commit to text. There are so many things that I can't say aloud, for fear of judgement and reprisal, and yet this makes this blog feel like it missing so much.

My life is sin and debauchery. I feel like I'm being consumed by it and I am torn between giving myself to it fully and running in terror.

I miss the days when I lived a double life. Now I am fragmented, persona after persona, never the same person to anyone. Including the one I have here, I have 5 different names to go by, 5 lives to live, with different priorities and goals. I'm losing track, losing focus I never had. Splitting into pieces and unable to follow through with anything, unable to be any one person properly.

I am lost in the overlap, trying to plan for a future I can't even begin to imagine. I feel like a child, playing pretend and unable to finally grow up.

All I know is I'm a liar, a cheat and a flake. Unreliable and unfit for consumption.

I am so terrified that I am missing something or forgetting something that I find myself  immobilized.