Right now I'm waiting for exboy to get back from the mall with pot, 2 beers, a mcdouble and a bagel from tim hortons. Writing that made me hate myself a little, but what else is new. And how else am I going to make it out of the house and to work later?

Maybe its because since I have been back it's been "Subtly-make-EmptyShell-feel-like-an-asshole" week. Like seriously, exboy and my mother should have a guilt trip-off. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself. One of the things I could never share here, for fear of this blog being found, has come out, so now you wonderful ladies can have all the gory details. Please don't judge me too harshly. 

Exboy and I broke up last October around mid month. Our problems started long before that. I had been unhappy for a long time, dealing with some fairly serious depression. The July before we broke up the two of us were living in a basement apartment together, and I started to feel like he was hiding something from me. At the end August I found out what that was. He had been taking the money that he was supposed to be using to pay the rent and had been keeping it, slowly funneling it back into our spending money by pretending he had "found" money while he was out. Because of that, we got evicted from our apartment and moved in with our current roommates, bestie and J, who will now be referred to as OCDboy. OCDboy's girlfriend at the time also moved in with us, although they were having just as many problems as we were. 

Me, being the stupid girl I am, decided to give Exboy another chance. But I still wasn't happy with him, or with the relationship or with myself. 

This led me to make a bad choice.

I have always been a cheater. I know that it makes me an asshole, and it's something I have been working on, but I have cheated in every relationship I have ever been in, excluding my first ever boyfriend. There are reasons why I cheat, and that will be the topic of another post, but it's sufficient for now to say that to tell me to just stop cheating in equivalent to telling me to just stop smoking or just eat normally. 

But I had been trying. 

One night, a couple of weeks before Exboy and I broke up, we went to a bar with the roommates. We ended up getting pretty trashed, and when no one else was around, OCDboy and I kissed. 

It was a really good kiss, by the way. 

We decided for the sake of both of our situations that it would be better if we just pretended nothing had ever happened. A couple of weeks later, Exboy and I broke up. I was out of town during the breakup and forced to deal with it all over the phone an facebook, I asked OCDboy to make sure that he kept what had happened to himself, since things were difficult enough already and he agreed. 

When I got back and Exboy asked me if anything was going on between OCDboy and me, I said no, and I continued to deny it whenever he has asked since then.

What I didn't know was that he had hacked my facebook the night that message had been sent to OCDboy, and had know since then. Apparently I am such a convincing liar that he was actually convinced that I must be telling the truth and he was going crazy. But when he finally told me that he had seen the message, I came clean. 

It was brutal. He screamed at me for hours, threatening to do whatever was in his power to ruin both of our lives (and yes, he does to some degree have the power). Eventually I got him to calm down to the point where he agreed to wait until we could talk more. 

Since then its been a constant guilt trip. "How could you do that too me" "I was thinking I going crazy, that's how much I trusted you" "you have know idea how you made me feel"

Honestly, I do know how he feels. I lay awake at night for months knowing he was stealing money but with no way to prove it. I watched him lie to me about fooling around with my bestie while I was sleeping in the room with them. I wonder now every time they are alone together, just like he is going to wonder everytime OCDboy and I are alone together. But there is no telling him that. According to him, I could never understand. 

I'm counting down the time until september. 

I used to love him, I know that. I used to be happy with him. But I haven't been anything but miserable and stressed with him almost a year. He keeps asking me if we can try dating again after we no longer live together, but I don't know if I can ever feel that way for him again. I feel like instead of winning my love back he's just eroding my willpower to say no.