Disclaimer: My blog is for adults. There was a warning you had to click on to get here. Even I have to click it and I wrote the damn thing. I curse and shit. Generally I am an example of what not to do with your life, what with the smoking and the chronic insomnia and narcotic use and what not. This post has sexual content. If you don't like that, then kindly fuck off and go do something you enjoy with your time. If you are a child who leaned how to click a button that says you are over 18, then congratulations on not being completely stupid, but there is probably something more useful and wholesome you could be doing with your time. If you do choose to read, then stay in school, don't have a baby before you are old enough to take care of it, and don't get a criminal record because of you do these things then you have options and options are everything. 


Jealousy is an odd thing.

I made a point of not getting attached to people or things for so long that most of the time I don't feel anything. I love the passion of a new relationship because the lust of it is such a powerfully physical emotion that I can't not feel it (sorry for the double negative)

Having very little attachment to the things and people in my life has made jealousy a mostly foreign emotion to me. That is not to say that I have never been jealous, just that it happens rarely and I have a somewhat odd reaction to it.

I can be controlling always often at times and sometimes that feels like jealousy, but I don't think its the same thing. There is no possessiveness to it. It's just the desperate need to know what is going on around me at all times. The compulsion to never feel like I'm missing out, out of the loop or in the dark. That's not the same thing as jealousy.

This post might make me seem weird.

It feels weird to admit this but who else am I going to tell? In the few situations I have been jealous, it's kind of a turn on. I'm not sure why. It's like knowing that I'm into someone enough to be possessive of them makes me want them even more. Or maybe it's just that I usually don't feel emotions that intensely?

Very few of the relationships I have been in over the years were entirely monogamous. I don't know if I believe in monogamy, but that's the subject of a whole different post. Regardless, since I am bisexual and "sexually liberated" threesomes have always been a semi-regular occurrence in my life.

I'm not shy about my sexual appetite with close friends. I'm usually the one to make the dirty joke, the one with the ridiculous raunchy story. While I don't feel the need to express myself that way in every social situation (time and place people! sometimes people need to keep that shit to themselves) I'm an advocate of sexual expression and PROPER sexual education and I will usually give an honest answer to any question people have the balls to ask me.

When someone asks you a question, there are always two answers. There is the easy answer and the answer that lies beneath the easy answer. It's the difference between telling someone you are fine when they ask you how you are doing and telling them that you lost a pound but you are having a bad hair day, but then you found five dollars when you got on the bus, so you are doing alright.

When a friend recently asked me why I had threesomes, I gave him the easy answers. I have threesomes with boys (straight ones especially) because they are both really interested in you and boys get tired easily, so when one needs a break they can tag out like in wrestling. (The real answer probably having more to do with my pathological need for validation and to be the center of attention, but we're not travelling that far into my psyche this evening). I have threesomes with girls because I like girls and as great as a boyfriend can be he does not have a vagina or boobs and every once and a while I need those things in my life.

The real reason? Even if I am the one to set things up, and especially if the girl is prettier (skinnier) then me (and they usually are because I'm girl-picky), there is always a moment, where all of his attention is focused on her. In that moment, I am on the outside looking in, an passive observer, and I can feel it. It's a tight little ball in my chest that makes it hard to breath and shoots electricity through my body like adrenaline. It makes my heart beat harder and my fingers tingle. I can't control it, or choose when it happens.

I sat one time for over an hour in that state once. I was on the computer, and my boyfriend at the time was on the couch. Lying next to him was the girl that we were fooling around with at the time. A blanket is casually thrown across them. There is the slightest movements underneath the blanket and I just know that his hand is down her pants. This is not the arrangement that we had, we had agreed that these things were to be discussed in advance and I have a head rush that's like a drug. I don't get anything done on the computer for the next hour, I play cards but lose every time, only playing so I don't watch to obviously. I can't breath, can't thing, my fingers are trembling and it feels like there is an electric current running though my body but I don't want them to feel caught. The longer I sit the more intense the feeling gets until my ear are ringing. and it's only then I start to look more obviously. When they feel my eyes on them they move apart. I don't think he ever knew how long I was watching.

In the end, it's just another way I'm addicted to the rush.

Does anyone who reads this have any strong reactions to jealousy?

PS.
This picture is adorable