1. The drafts folder of my email. A mess of unsent letters that spans years and quick saved information. Copied conversations from facebook chat that it seemed pertinent to save. It's instant reminder of past failures.

2. (Speaking of facebook) The pages of the people I went to highschool with who are now graduating college. Like seriously, I'm still here? And all you people are done already?

3. Getting ready to go out. I hate it. It always feels like I'm forgetting something and I look stupid and I'm going to definitely be late.

4. When people can see what I'm doing on my laptop. Exboy is starting to think that I'm up to something. He pretty much knows I have another email that I'm not telling him about. And I know its bugging the hell out of him to not know what I'm typing all the time. Because of that, this is now extended to any time anyone in my apartment is walking around doing stuff and being all hard to keep track of while I'm on my laptop cause he keeps trying to sit down next to me all quicktimes. That was a hell of a run on sentence...

5. My own laziness, 'nuff said.

6. Never being alone in my apartment. Like seriously, I think it's happened twice since we moved in in september. Even worse is being told that I am going to get time alone in the apartment and then having people there. Which lead into number 7...

7. Getting my hopes up. I'd rather not plan anything than be disappointed when it inevitably doesn't work out. I'm trying to get over this one because not planning for anything makes it hard to have any sort of life worth living. Even when things do end up working out though, the mere act of being hopeful is stressing me out at this point.

I cheated today. Not on my ex, although  it certainly feels like it whenever I dare hit on someone else, but on the whole eating vegetarian thing. I've been in a losing battle with McDonald's for three days now, and my willpower finally broke today. Bah.

It wasn't as good as it was in my head, but is it ever? (except for thai food and sushi)

So now I'm at 774 utterly useless calories for the day, I'm a big weak fatty and I hate myself. My stomach hurts and I'm not even really full, just nauseous.

On the plus side I got out of work early today, so I'm going to try to spend some time being  productive to make myself feel better...

Still at 153.6 today.

But instead I'll post some thinspo...

Seriously, I think the thing likes to fuck with my head.

My intake yesterday was high. Not binge high, but high enough that I expected to maintain the 153.2 pounds of lard that I was when I woke up yesterday. And I was fairly ok with this. After a weekend of fairly intense intoxication, I figured a couple of days of maintaining reasonable intake was probably a healthy idea.

So I wake this morning, use the bathroom and weigh myself. My usual routine. I'm not wearing my glasses right, and the first time I look, I know I must be seeing things.

149.8.

I try it again. The number is the same. People are trying to get my attention and I stop there, thrilled at this turn of events.

But no... An hour later I am dressing, unable to resist the temptation of seeing the number I've longed for for months, and I climb back on.

153.8.

FMScale.

No more than 600 net calories today. At least I cleaned yesterday.

Clean something for 30min every other day for a month. (week 1/4)
As part of my birthday present, the housemates all chipped in and cleaned the house this week so I wouldn't have to, so it was out of my hands really, at least that is what I'm telling myself. I'm going to try to get the whole hour and a half of cleaning done today because I have the day off, so we will see how that goes.
Exercise 3 times a week for at least half an hour. (3/4)
4 hours of dancing and 6 or so hours of manic laughter? Yea, that should just about cover it. Last week for this one!

Do Laundry twice a month for 6 months (0/12)
Done! Well, I did a load. This is another one on my list of things to do today, although it depends on how much cleaning I get done.

Track all spending for one month. 
My spending was a mess this week because of my birthday, so I didn't bother restarting this one yet.

File taxes. 
Look up the address for the place, it's by appointment only, so add another thing to the list of boring crap to get done today...
Spend one hour a week improving memory for a month 2/4
Actually kind of forgot about this one this week, so apparently its not helping yet...
Draw once a month.(0/12)
Last chance to do this one for the month...
Start a dream journal and update it twice a week for a month
This has been the week of people waking me up abruptly and making me do things right away, so nothing to report here...

Eat Veggie for a month (2/4 weeks)
This one is going really well. I really don't miss meat at all when I know I'm going to have the chance to eat it at the end of the week. I think when I'm done I'll definitely eat red meat much less often, although I still don't think I could give it up altogether. 

Research Careers
I'm going to use the interesting careers from my personality profile as a starting point for my search. Hopefully this will give me some direction.

Contact 5 friends I haven't seen in over a year and see them in person (2/5)
I think my recent birthday will be an excellent excuse to get back in touch with some of the people who had nice wishes for me on facebook. That way, I don't have to feel a weird about making contact.
Become an organ donor
Found out what I need and I can do it all when I go to replace my health card, which I've been procrastinating about for ages.


I'm really excited, it looks like I might be able to cross some things off my list next week! This week was really lazy though... Oh well, I was expecting to get less done anyways. At least so far I've maintained between 151 and 153...

I have never been beautiful.

"Cute" is one I hear a lot, or maybe "pretty" but until recently, beauty seemed something that was beyond my grasp. A concept I couldn't be bothered to understand, with rules that didn't make sense to me.

I still feel this way, most of the time. However, something fundamental has changed over the last year. My perspective has changed. For the first time, I want to bother.

But it has been a difficult journey, one which is far from over. In my youth, you could call me a tomboy in the sense I wore pants constantly, although I have no talent for sports. Maybe a nerd or geek would be more accurate. Regardless of the labels that applied to me, clothing was a needed to cover my body and protect it from the elements, nothing more. Make up was an ill-conceived inconvenience and foreign to me. My concern was for comfort and functionality.

I didn't buy clothing for over 5 years, to the point where my wardrobe was entirely made up of clothing which had been discarded by those I knew.

That's different now, but I'm floundering in a world where I am far behind the curve. Fashion is a dirty word to me, inspiring stress and panic. It speaks a strange language that I can't begin to grasp. It's full of rules that have never been fully articulated and that no one can agree on, and that more importantly, don't apply to everyone.

Except one. It's repeated over and over, every step of the way.

Beauty is pain.

Beauty is not comfortable.

Beauty is not easy.

Beauty is a sacrifice.

And truly, this must be the case if beauty is to have meaning to the world. If beauty were to be easy, comfortable, then it would not be something to strive for. It would not be special.

I can still feel the pain in my feet from dancing in heels on Friday, but it's worth it. My eyes ache, dry from contact lenses and my chest feels tight from the constricting corset and too many cigarettes. My stomach aches from hunger.

But when you look in the mirror after starving for days, after painstakingly manicuring your appearance for ages, and you see beauty, something that will turn heads when you walk into the room, inspiring envy and desire... In that moment, all the pain is worth it. When he is unable to take his eyes off of you, needing your touch, in that moment, it's all worth it. When you see your the shadow of your legs against the door, and more importantly, the light that shines between them, it's worth it.

When my work is recognized, it will all be worth it.

Since I have to hide in the bathroom to type this.

Yesterday was nice. We ended up going out to a party, which was an unexpected treat. The party wasn't that great honestly but it was really nice to get out of the house and spend the night dancing. Even if I was in heels.

Today may not be so good. We were supposed to go out tonight, so of course, since I made the mistake of actually looking forward to it, it isn't going to happen. Also, I'm kinda bummed because there was someone I thought I was going to get to hang out with tonight, and that's not the case either. But I'm not going to get into that

Weight is at 152.0

Today was an odd day. My emotions felt very extreme, for me.

It started badly. I slept in, walking up at like 3:00, instead of 1:00 like I wanted (for those who were wondering the logistics of this, I usually work around 4. Today, however, I was supposed to wake up at one, so I could call and find out if I was supposed to be there early. My alarm clock, however, did not want to cooperate and did not go off.

This is the second time this has happened recently, which means one of three things. Firstly, and most unlikely, my alarm is starting to malfunction. Secondly, and most paranoid, my ex is turning my alarm off after I fall asleep, in a desperate attempt to sabotage me. Thirdly, and most likely, I am going to be so late that I remember to set my alarm and then forget to turn it on.

Regardless, it was not a good start to my day, and while I didn't get in trouble for not being at work early, it certainly cast the tone for my mood for the day.

I just feel weird. I dunno what the problem is. Just... Somewhat disconnected.

I want to thank the lovely ladies who commented on my last post. The one bright spot of my day was that some of my ramblings may have a positive impact on someone else.

The walk from the bus to my work and back is has given me mild panic attacks for the last few days. There is no reason for it, I just feel anxious. I'm not sure what that means.  

I'm trying desperately to write something that isn't miserable.

Score Level:	Low			Average				High
EXTROVERSION TRAITS
1. Gregariousness:   [T-Score: 71]   Higher scores indicate the person is likely to be gregarious, outgoing, talkative, and liking conversations and parties.								X
2. Friendliness:   [T-Score: 53]   Higher scores indicate the person is likely to be gregarious, outgoing, talkative, and liking conversations and parties.						X
3. Assertiveness:   [T-Score: 3]   Higher scores indicate the person is likely to be busy, plan-directed, self-asserting and tending to be motivated to succeed.	X
4. Poise:   [T-Score: 29]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to feel comfortable around people and in unfamiliar places, loving life and not easily embarrassed.			X
5. Leadership:   [T-Score: 57]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be outspoken, self-confident in speaking out in social situations, taking charge and making decisions.						X
6. Provocativeness:   [T-Score: 76]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be boastful, demanding, daring in comments, criticism, and in defying rules.									X
7. Self-Disclosure:   [T-Score: 93]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be open about self and others, enjoying a sense of humor, laughing, childlike, "wild" and "crazy".										X
8. Talkativeness:   [T-Score: 72]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to talk a lot, perhaps too much, too loudly, and to seek too much attention.								X
9. Sociability:   [T-Score: 70]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to need to be around other people to feel comfortable, enjoying being on the go, in crowds.								X
10. EXTROVERSION TOTAL:   [T-Score: 61]   Higher scores indicate the person is likely to be more extroverted socially, especially as reflected in higher scores on some or all of the nine traits immediately above.							X
AGREEABLENESS TRAITS
11. Understanding:   [T-Score: 43]   Higher scores indicate tendencies to respect and sympathize with other persons' feelings, interests and viewpoints and being helpful.				X
12. Warmth:   [T-Score: 38]   Higher scores indicate tendencies to make special efforts to help other people feel welcome, comfortable and attended to.				X
13. Morality:   [T-Score: -42]   Higher scores suggest modesty, respect for rules and authority and loyalty to and respect for other people.	X
14. Pleasantness:   [T-Score: 25]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be socially pleasant, friendly, trusting and kind.		X
15. Empathy:   [T-Score: 26]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be especially sensitive to feelings, both ones' own and those of others, and in self-improvement.		X
16. Cooperation:   [T-Score: 7]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be cooperative rather than competitive.  Modest and avoids conflict or making fun of others.	X
17. Sympathy:   [T-Score: 11]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be especially sensitive to the misfortune of others and to take an interest in helping them.	X
18. Tenderness:   [T-Score: -7]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to care for children, friends, as by remembering birthdays.  Shows feelings, cries in empathy, etc.	X
19. Nurturance:   [T-Score: -16]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to go out of one's way to help and please others, putting them before self.	X
20. AGREEABLENESS TOTAL:   [T-Score: -7]   Higher scores indicate overall agreeableness, as reflected in higher scores on some or all of the nine tests immediately above.	X
CONSCIENTIOUSNESS TRAITS
21. Conscientiousness:   [T-Score: -35]   Higher scores reflect tendencies to plan ahead, do one's work carefully, and complete it on time.	X
22. Efficiency:   [T-Score: -33]   Higher scores reflect tendencies to stick to plans, be exacting in ones' work, being prompt, and finishing tasks once begun.	X
23. Dutifulness:   [T-Score: 0]   Higher scores reflect tendencies to be neatly dressed and groomed, well-mannered, dutiful in following directions and checking one's work.	X
24. Purposefulness:   [T-Score: -19]   Higher scores reflect tendencies to be prompt, focused and prepared in carrying out job duties.	X
25. Organization:   [T-Score: 34]   Higher scores reflect tendencies to set high standards for self and others, demand quality follow through on commitments, make well-considered decisions.			X
26. Cautiousness:   [T-Score: 7]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to attend to detail, demand quality performance from oneself and others, and complete tasks successfully.	X
27. Rationality:   [T-Score: -4]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be rational, logical, straight-forward and believing in consequences for misbehavior.	X
28. Perfectionism:   [T-Score: 37]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to prefer planned activities and expect perfection and attention to detail.				X
29. Orderliness:   [T-Score: -37]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be rule-oriented, like schedules, routine work, doing things 'by the book', keeping tidy.	X
30. CONSCIENTIOUSNESS TOTAL:   [T-Score: -28]   Higher scores indicate overall conscientiousness, as reflected in higher scores on some or all of the nine tests immediately above.	X
STABILITY TRAITS
31. Stability:   [T-Score: 91]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be even-tempered, slow to anger or get frustrated or moody, seldom taking offense.										X
32. Happiness:   [T-Score: 43]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be positive in mood, adaptable, comfortable with oneself and self-confident.				X
33. Calmness:   [T-Score: 75]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to be accepting or others as they are, rarely annoyed or irritated.									X
34. Moderation:   [T-Score: 17]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to remain calm under pressure, and avoid cravings, overindulgence and temptations.		X
35. Toughness:   [T-Score: 90]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to endure criticism and tense situations calmly, keeping one's head and coping.										X
36. Impulse Control:   [T-Score: 38]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to control one's emotions, not interrupt others, maintain tact and restraint in social situations.				X
37. Imperturbability:   [T-Score: 95]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to seldom be influenced by one's emotions or get emotional.										X
38. Cool-Headedness:   [T-Score: 70]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to want things done 'my way', add up perfectly to impress others.  Demands obedience, confirmation of one's own opinions, no contradictions.								X
39. Tranquility:   [T-Score: 119]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to remain much the same emotionally from situation to situation, without emotional highs or lows.										X
40. STABILITY TOTAL:   [T-Score: 80]   Higher scores indicate overall stability, as reflected in higher scores on some or all of the nine tests immediately above.									X
INTELLECT TRAITS (These are personality measures, not measures of intellect per se)
41. Intellect:   [T-Score: 80]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to have a large vocabulary of difficult words, and enjoy thinking and understanding things.									X
42. Ingenuity:   [T-Score: 41]   Higher scores suggest a confident 'idea person', who likes to come up with new plans and solutions to problems.				X
43. Reflection:   [T-Score: 25]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to enjoy and reflect on books, movies, nature, flowers, music, etc.		X
44. Competence:   [T-Score: 65]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to learn and understand quickly, look at the facts, think and meet challenges with a spirit of excellence.							X
45. Quickness:   [T-Score: 73]   Higher scores suggest aptitude for handling complex problems, understanding things quickly, and liking to learn and think.								X
46. Introspection:   [T-Score: 60]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to enjoy spending time alone, reflecting on and contemplating things, doing things at one's own pace.							X
47. Creativity:   [T-Score: 62]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to enjoy solving unique, complex problems, challenging other points of view, linking facts.							X
48. Imagination:   [T-Score: 60]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to enjoy imagination, fantasy, art, variety and creative activities.							X
49. Depth:   [T-Score: 90]   Higher scores suggest tendencies to think deeply, get lost in thought and trying to understand the deeper meaning of self and life.										X
50. INTELLECT TOTAL:   [T-Score: 67]   Higher scores indicate overall intellectuality, as reflected in higher scores on some or all of the nine tests immediately above.								X